How to talk to children about difficult stuff…
By Dr. Christina Cohen
I often am asked how to tell children that a loved one has passed away, a parent got in trouble with the law, someone has a drinking problem and the list goes on. This is difficult and really dependent on your child and your family. I am a firm believer that it is not healthy to keep secrets for a multitude of reasons. Most importantly, it teaches our children to keep secrets, which is super scary as a child psychologist. Children who are taught to keep secrets are the least likely to tell when someone is hurting them. Given this, we must have courage by setting a strong example for our children about telling the truth and being honest, even when it is scary for us.
With that said, I do believe we need to have some discernment and know our child. We do not need to tell our children excessive details or the gore of a situation. It must be age appropriate and child appropriate. You give your child the details he/she can handle in a way that your child understands. When a client had a recent suicide in their family, they came to me as to how to tell the children in their family. After some thought and discussion, they decided to tell the 4-year-old child that her uncle became sick with a grown up illness really fast and the doctors could not get to him fast enough and he went to Heaven. As she gets older, we discussed how they can tell her about the suicide. When it came to telling the 14-year-old cousin, they told him he died by suicide and what the triggers were, but not the details of how he died. He is mature and old enough to process more details of the truth but did not need the gory details. We discussed how to answer his questions with honesty, but not oversharing.
In addition to being truthful, it is important that we are attentive to our children. Notice any changes in their behavior or emotional reactions. Talk to them about it. What happened there? Or maybe when they are calm and not thinking about the behavior, have you been thinking about grandma dying? Or what is on your mind? It is important to also be appropriate in sharing your emotions. When my mother died, my daughter saw me cry. She did not see me hysterical, crying out because that would have scared her. But she saw me sad. She would say to me, “Mommy, is your heart sad because grandma is not here?” and I would say yes. This would open the door for her to talk about her feelings, which she did and still does occasionally. When she talks, I make it a point to actively listen and validate her thoughts and feelings. This is so important. Sometimes children talk in the car or while you are making dinner or right before bed, all times that you might be distracted. Stop what you are doing and listen to them. Sit down and talk about it, no matter how inconvenient. They need you and they need you now.
It is also important that children know that whatever the event is, it is not their fault. This is a must. I have worked with many people who have lost someone in an accident as a child and there is this fear that somehow, they caused it. It stems from magical thinking, which is part of normal child development during ages 2 to 7 years. Children during this stage believe they have their thoughts can influence the world. Given this, it is important that our children know that the event is not their fault. Mom and dad are divorcing because we cannot get along, not because of anything you do and we want to be the best parents we can be, which we will be able to be living in 2 different homes. Never tell your children a tragedy happened because of them. Make sure they understand- it is not their fault. When my daughter thought she could “get grandma from the sky,” we discussed that it would be super cool if we could do that, but it is not a possibility. We talked about what we could do instead- share happy stories of grandma, draw pictures of what grandma liked. We also discussed how grandma would want us to do happy activities and love one another.
Lastly, try to create whatever normalcy you can for them. This is a big one. I often see parents become very lax with their children during a divorce, after the death of a loved one, or a tragedy in a family. They feel bad that their children are grieving and want to offer them grace over everything. This actually creates more anxiety for the child about the loss or change. Children need to feel that although this really bad thing happened, I will be ok. The best way to send that message is to keep life as normal as possible for them with everyday things such as their routine, discipline, expectations for them and the like. In doing this, you offer them the security they need to work through their feelings and emotions around this difficult event in your family.
It isn’t easy talking to our children about difficult situations. However, if we are truthful and offer empathy towards them while still maintaining their normal life, then we are teaching them invaluable lessons that can be used when they deal with adversity in life, especially as adults and within their own family one day.